FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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