I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
