...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
