walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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