I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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