Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
