Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
