I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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