Your dad touched me again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
