wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
