sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
