her vagine was all disorganized.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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