he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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