She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she peed on how many people?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
