I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
