Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
