she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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