It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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