I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
