just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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