Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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