He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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