My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
