Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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