capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
