I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Damn victory sex feels great
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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