Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
