I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
