This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Vodka?
Forever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
