Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
