i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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