the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
