Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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