There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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