omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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