Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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