well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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