I'm jealous of your bromance
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
