just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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