And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
