how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
