My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
