pop tarts are not kleenex
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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