Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
