I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh god it's open bar.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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