If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
