You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
