I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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