She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
