How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
