I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
